Species of men I have identified

I feel like an old world explorer trudging my way through the jungle otherwise known as the dating scene. Each Thursday and alternating Saturday my girlfriends and I go forth looking for our own kind. With each passing weekend, we seem to find a new species of man. Last year I discovered a species I named the American Hates Commitment but Won’t Tell You belonging to the family of Non-confrontational in the class of Are You Kidding Me? They aren’t as bad as the more confrontational species, the I Won’t Take No for an Answer. For this species I have to remind them I am in the class of Way too Good For you and the family of My Friend has a taser in her Purse. This year I have stumbled upon a species I like to call, I Only Text

I Only Text doesn’t need a cell phone plan because he never calls anyone. He only text messages them. I Only Text will text you a mere 30 seconds after you call him. He will say something like, “at work, what’s up?” Then you will have to go along with it like his job at Quizno’s is really such a big deal he can’t answer his phone. The sub species of I Only Text is, I Will Text You 30 times in One Day. This species needs to seriously evolve because I am about to call the police department and see if I can get a restraining order so he can’t text me anymore.

Of all the species I have met, I sometimes like Only Text. I like him a whole lot better than the genus known as Needy and Clingy, Is That OK? It’s like dating an attention starved cat. As long as I don’t feel like talking, then Only Text and I are good. But every now and again I would seriously love to not be asked out on a date by an abbreviation of a sentence. “BTW U WNT 2 EAT 2NITE?” Of course I want to eat tonight. I also would like a species of man that has mastered the use of the English written language.

An offshoot of the I Will Text You 30 times in One Day guy is LOL and Smiley Face guy. Male species who use these phrases in text messages should be stripped of their man card and forced to assume the identity of a 14-year-old girl until they learn it’s unacceptable. I hate to say it, but I lose interest the moment a guy uses LOL or inserts a smiley face. He might as well have told me he is three years away from getting his GED.

The species I seem to see a lot is one my sister named, the I’ll Call You species. I place these ones in the class of Skeezy and the family of Sure You Will. You will know this species by his trademark mating call, “Can I buy you a drink?” When I was younger the answer was usually “Yes”, now the answer is, “Does that mean I have to talk to you?” This species is nocturnal and seems to find security in the darkness. Their diet consists mostly of idiots and you will know him only briefly because after the second date, he will enter the Witness Protection Program, assumedly, and never be seen again.

In my weekend trudging I have had a great time identifying all of these species with my girlfriends. And wouldn’t you know, after you’ve spotted one, it gets easier to pick them out of a crowd.